Review: Cyrano de Bergerac, by Edmond Rostand

Cyrano de Bergerac 
Edmond Rostand
1897

Yes, it was written in 1897, but keep in mind that it’s a play, so it shouldn’t take more than an hour and half to read; that’s how long it takes to watch, yeah? Or save yourself the effort and just watch it – there are many movie versions.

An Alexandrine Couplet About The Coolest Play Ever

Ugly dude loves hot chick, hot chick loves cute boy

Ugly dude helps cute boy—then they all go to war.

Cyrano de Bergerac: Helping ugly dudes gets chicks since 1897!

Here’s the basic plot (and mostly well-researched and true story about an actual guy): It’s 1640, in Paris. Cyrano de Bergerac is an all around great guy. He’s a noblemen but not snobby, he’s well-liked, a musician, a superb poet and writer, and seriously excellent in a duel. He dresses well. He always has his friend’s backs, no matter what. He’s got a big mouth, but in a charming way. He’s the sort of person you really really want at your party. He’s absolutely hands down the funniest person you’ve ever met. You know when you walk away from a situation where you couldn’t come up with a good comeback, and you think of one later and you’re all like, “That’s what I should have said!” – That doesn’t happen to Cyrano. He always knows what to say.

[ASIDE: That situation where you came up with a great comeback too late? – We’ve all been there. There’s actually a phrase for that, borrowed from French. It’s “L'esprit de l'escalier”, which translates as “the spirit of the stairway”. It means you thought up the perfect comeback as you walk down the stairs, away from wherever the situation took place. Only the French would have a phrase for that.]

Back to Cyrano: The only problem this guy has is that he’s got an outrageously huge nose. Like, circus freak gigantic.

These folks are seriously hot by comparison.

Despite the fact that he’s otherwise attractive, his nose is so ridiculous that he thinks he can’t get a date. Since this takes place in the 1600s and he lives in Paris and not L.A. a nose job is out of the question. Cyrano’s in love with his cousin, which was less weird then. They’re old friends, but she’s pretty much a spoiled vapid bitch and he knows he doesn’t have a shot, not because they’re cousins but because she’d never hook up with a dude who looks like Pinocchio. This is all hilarious when you read it.

This is actually the plot.

Meanwhile, a Pretty Boy shows up in town starts making fun of Cyrano’s nose. Cyrano nearly kills him, which was fair then and everyone kind of just said, “Well, if you make fun of the nose of best duelist in town, you’re asking for it”. Pretty Boy also loves Cyrano’s cousin. He’s cute enough for her, it’s just that he’s an idiot who can’t talk to girls and she wants someone who will write her poetry, because she’s all kinds of high maintenance. Sigh.

Totally A Hot Date In 1640.

 

Cyrano and Pretty Boy form a plan: Cyrano will write the letters and poems Pretty Boy can give to Cyrano’s Hot Cousin. That way, Cyrano gets to feel connected to her, she’ll actually be happy, and the Rich Count who loves her won’t get any (but that’s a whole different plot).

This all works. The Hot Cousin and Pretty Boy get engaged. The Rich Count is so furious he sends all of them off the war. Hot Cousin makes Cyrano promise that Pretty Boy will write.

Look, this post is already too long. Bottom line, Pretty Boy gets killed, Hot Cousin joins a nunnery, and Cyrano visits her every weekend for 15 years. One day, some people are mad about political stuff he wrote and plan to kill him on the way to the nunnery. He knows, but won’t risk missing a visit even though his life is in danger. They mortally wound him, but he makes it to the nunnery. As he dies, she figures out he’s been in love with her all along and it was him that wrote the letters, and she realizes she’s actually been in love with him because he really said everything that made her fall in love, but it’s 15 years too late, she lives with nuns, and he’s dying. Cyrano dies in her arms, with some awesome lines about how he leaves his hart with her but will really impress God in Heaven. So, a sad ending.

Still, one of the better plays of all time.

Not just my opinion.

Really, lots of movie versions.